My Meloncholia

Since my last blog I have finally faced a huge issue that has been part of my life since I was a young woman. I live a life of polar opposites. On the outside I am a very strong, supportive, funny and loving friend. On the inside I fight an incredibly hard battle everyday. Depression to me is not something I can easily talk about. Allowing myself to feel vulnerable is so uncomfortable and even worse when I feel judged. I swing from servere anxiety and panic attacks to utter self loathing and suicidal thoughts. This is totally contradicted by my outgoing and happy exterior most of the people who know me are used to. Only recently has my husband become aware of much of the darkness that overwhelms me. More or less on a daily bases. It feels like a shamefull confession to admit this. And open myself up to whatever comes of this, however I feel that as certain areas of my life come to a head, I need this revelation to heal.