Thursday, June 16, 2011

Finding the Me in We

Exactly a year ago I started to write a journal for the first time in years. As a teenager I would fills journals/notepads every couple of months. It was the foundation of my very busy, overactive and highly emotional mind. Honestly I don't think I would be here today, a mother, a wife, a member of the community without my diarys. 
Around  the same time I was dealing with a lot of personal issues in health and in mind. I was in pain physically and emotionally and needed to pull back and refocus. Stuck in a blank and dark void. My thoughts were muddled and foggy and I wasn't able to think straight. I felt isolated and stranded without direction and nothing to look forward to.
Around that time  Mum had found a suitcase in the back of her shed filled with things from my past I hadn't thought of or needed in a very long time. Its funny when I look back at just how timely this discovery was. The universe thought I was ready to deal with this stuff. Old books and photos, some clothes and my old journals. This stirred a whole new range of emotions and inner turmoil on top of what I was feeling at the time. It just shock me to my core as I was facing the 16 year old girl I once was. She is someone with who I had completely lost touch with, someone barely recognised or remembered. I stared at the belongings of the case and very uncomfortably threw it into the back of my car, with much confusion and uneasiness, I took it home. 
There it sat in my garage urging me to veiw it's contents for days but I couldn't bare to look at it. It was my Achilles heel, a pain I couldnt deal with. Until I eventually drew breath and found the courage. Inside I faced this sad young woman who was very confused with life not all that different to the emotions i was dealing with again and just needed a big warm hug. I cried so much while reading the entries, the dreams, the poetry, the spells. It was sometimes very ugly and sometimes a joyful moment of beauty. But it was all mine. Only  mine and so very comforting to know that even today she still lives within me. I reconnected to me. I took the time to read though the collection of old memories and purged the darkest.
Around a year ago I was dealing with a lot of personal issues in health and in mind. I was in pain physically and emotionally and needed to pull back and and refocus. Mum had found a suitcase in the back of her shed filled with things from my past I hadn't thought of or needed in a very long time. Old books and photos, some clothes and my old journals. This stirred a whole new range of emotions and inner turmoil on top of what I was feeling at the time a just shock me to my core as I was facing the 16 year old girl I once was. She is someone with who I had completely lost touch with  most uncomfortable.
 I can still remember the hopes and dreams this fragile and clever young woman had for her future and I want to honour her by living the life she dreamed of for both of us. Time marches on every single day. We forget so quickly. But at this time in my early 30s I feel it's time to remember and get back in touch.
The only relationship I have been in my whole life that needs working on is my relationship with me. It the most important relationship I have. Losing the Me in the We happens so slowly you don't recognise it, sometimes you never do. But I know it's never to late. If journal writing was so therapeutic for me as a teenager then surely it would be just as therapeutic as a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, creative and infinitely clever citizen. 

2 comments:

  1. Good for you! Certain seasons present increased difficulty in allowing the "me moments" to radiate through the busyness of the everyday. It can be very easy to lose sight of who you are, in who your "supposed" to be for those who depend on you. But, know that there is joy in every part of the journey and refreshing in rediscovering the buried treasures of your heart. Sounds like you experienced a little bit of that renewal.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you. I absolutely agree. I know I am following the right path to rediscovery and feel so grateful for such kind remarks

    ReplyDelete